Inspired by the Times

If I was appointed Halloweenie to the stars, Bjork would be more than just a swan this year. My approach would be much more Zen. Mariacarla Boscone, I would advise you that Kate's out of rehab now so she might have dibs on that get-up you've got. And all those grunting girls on the women's tennis tour, isn't it time to return what you borrowed from Monica Seles? Go for a new disguise. This October 31, I foresee a little more synergy in the air. Something that might get Alec Baldwin's name back in bright lights.

Or something that would keep Gwen Stefani out of No Doubt. Permanently. Please?

I never liked her band much. If she's this big of a hit on her own, why go back? I don't have the numbers but this kind of success is not often repeated. I think of Gwen as the Garbage of this decade: Butch Vig's now-defunct band came out in 1995 the track "Vow", and somehow made each of its three followups bigger than the previous one. "I'm Only Happy When It Rains" outplayed "Queer" and then "Stupid Girl" streamed out of every open car window in a bid to be become the official song of summer. After three solid singles, "Cool" is Gwen's ubersmash. You hear it EVERYWHERE, and the more I hear it the more I think I've heard it before. "Hungry Eyes" is definitely there - that's no secret - but what else is behind the mask?

Which brings me back to costumes. Some might suggest that Gwen just dress as herself for Halloween - she did well as her original brunette self in Sophie Muller's great video for "Cool". In fact, some may go further and say Gwen's a constant shapeshifter - altering her image regularly while still stamping it "Stefani". But I say cut the self-reflexive crap; do something fun! Gwen should go as Whitney Houston. (Whitney sang "I'm Every Woman" at one time, you know.) Why Whitney? No real reason. I've just been sniffing out traces of Be My Baby Tonight in Gwen, and as Whitney knows (and Kate too), there is no better time to come clean than right now.

My m4a blueprint for Gwen doing Whitney

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